Thursday, March 02, 2006

Do You Drink Coffee?

""Do you drink coffee?"

That's the question the dental hygienist asked me shortly into my routine exam a couple of days ago.

"Yersh," I muttered as she probed at my teeth. It was a somewhat rhetorical query, since she wouldn't have asked if she didn't see some staining. Well, OK, you got me. Of course I drink coffee. Every adult not asleep between the hours of 7am and 7pm drinks coffee. Everyone with kids drinks coffee. Everyone that hopes to get anything done beside reading a page of a book five times without absorbing anything drinks coffee. I drink coffee, I like coffee, and it’s not bad for you. It's not like cigarettes, which stain your teeth and also kill you. So there.

Then the dentist comes over and starts poking around. "Looks good," she says, sticking that metal hook into a molar.

The hygienist leans in. "He drinks coffee," she whispers, half-conspiratorially, relating what I guess was my limited case history. "Healthy teeth. Drinks coffee."

The dentist prodded some more, told me my teeth looked good, and suggested I maybe swish with some water after drinking coffee.

Has it really come to this? Has it come to the point where, when they can't find any real problems, the dentist actually treats minor coffee stains like they're something that need to be monitored and taken care of? I mean, come on! Most of the cleaning was on the *inside* of my teeth, anyway, so the stains weren't even visible!

This creative dental vigilance is ridiculous. I need to be reminded to brush and floss, not that wearing a retainer (at age 31!) might stop some of the crowding on my bottom teeth, which by the way have looked like this for most of the 20 or so years since I got my braces taken off and they started to revert, just as they do with every living human being. Leave the cosmetic stuff to the specialists and just affirm that I'm doing a good job, thanks.

Now listening to: The Stills, "Logic Will Break Your Heart." This disc was a slept on Next Big Thing contender. Worth a listen for anyone that thinks other young guns like the Strokes are largely worthless, and that Interpol could really try a little harder. Speaking of which, did anyone else see that Spin sold for a pittance, less than $5 million? That's because the magazine sucks, and the Strokes, Interpol and My Chemical Romance can't carry magazines. The magazines been taken over by the same guy, Andy Pemberton, that every other music magazine has turned to in desperation. Which means when the "new" Spin is unveiled it will no doubt be even dumber and feature a 87% increase in boobs. In every sense.


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